Facts about Friendship

By Chaplain Jeff

Are you lonely? We live in a world that is filled with lonely people – each one hoping to find a true friend.

Do you feel lonely even though you know a lot of people?  Most of us have been on a lifelong search for a true friend. The heart-crushing weight of loneliness is relentless, oppressive and depressive.

Some people have found their “best friend” and their life is infinitely better because of it. Most of us, however, continue our long and lonely quest, searching in vain for someone we can clearly imagine but never find.

Loneliness is to our soul what emptiness is to our stomach. The overpowering hunger compels us to eat anything we can find—even if it’s rotten!

The overwhelming loneliness drives us to settle for anyone we can find—even if they aren’t a very good friend. They just happened to have shown up at the right time.

However, these people often do more harm than good, take more than they give, and leave us worse then they found us. We are often left with open wounds and broken hearts.

Because of the pain involved in this process, we may become embittered and embattled. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need anyone. We promise ourselves that we will never open our hearts to anyone ever again.

This strategy eventually fails because our hearts need friends like our stomachs need food. Soon the hunger pains of loneliness compel us to repeat this painful cycle again and again and again.

The good news, however, is that you have a choice! You do not have to stay in the trap of loneliness and repeat the mistakes of the past. You can learn from your mistakes and, more importantly, apply the principles which will change your life.

There are several, vital principles we need to learn and apply to our lives. We will consider a few of these steps in this issue and continue this discussion in the next.

Principle #1: Loneliness is a natural and normal reaction to isolation and solitude.

Just as our stomachs need food, our hearts need friends. God designed us to share our lives with others. Even though Adam lived in a perfect world and enjoyed intimate fellowship with God, He pronounced that “It is not good for the man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18).

Therefore, feeling lonely is no more a sin than feeling hungry. Both simply indicate that we have a God-given emptiness which needs to be filled. Just as hunger is signal that we need food, loneliness is a sign that we need friends. Our role is to satisfy the hunger and fill the emptiness in the manner God intended.

Principle #2: The presence of people does not cure our loneliness.

You can starve to death while sitting at table which is covered with nutritious and delicious food. The food is of absolutely no benefit to you unless you actually eat it.

You can be extremely lonely while standing in a room that is filled with people. You may even interact with several people, but still feel lonely. This is because loneliness is not cured by being with people. It is cured by connecting with them.

Principle #3: We don’t have friends because we are incredibly selfish.

Think about this:

Imagine that we are all standing in a crowded room.  Although this room is filled with people, every person is incredibly lonely, because each one of them is waiting for someone to come to them and be their friend. Day after day and year after year, all of us just keep waiting for someone to bridge the gap between us, become our friend and cure our loneliness. Because each of us is waiting for someone to come and be MY friend, no one is any one’s friend.

I know what you are thinking, because it is exactly same thing everyone else is thinking (including me)!

“Hey, I am the one who needs a friend!”

“I thought you were going to teach me how to get people to be MY friend!”
   
    “I am reading this because I need someone to meet my needs!

    “I am not here to be someone else’s friend; I looking for someone to be my friend.”

As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working out for you?”
Can you see the insanity of it all? Are you ready to do something that will really make a difference?

Principle #4: To have a friend, you must first be a friend.

This is the greatest secret and most important rule about friendship. Stop trying to find a friend and start being a friend.

Which newspaper ad would get the most response?

Wanted: A true and faithful friend who will listen to me, understand me, appreciate me, encourage me, help me, laugh with me, remember my birthday, always be interested in my activities, never hurt my feelings, never disappoint me, willingly devote hours of time to make my life better, etc. etc. etc.

Wanted: Someone to whom I can be a true and faithful friend, who will listen to you, understand you, appreciate you, encourage you, help you, laugh with you, remember your birthday, always be interested in your activities, never hurt your feelings, never disappoint your, willingly devote hours of time to make your life better, etc. etc. etc.

The biggest reason we don’t have friends is because our own selfishness makes us unwilling to be someone else’s friend. The reason no one is building the bridge of friendship is because we are all waiting for someone to meet our needs.

God said it best in Proverbs 18:24a:

    “A man to have friends must show himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”
   
Let me briefly mention some of the principles found in this verse.

In order to have friends, you must first be a friend. This requires that we take the initiative. We reach out to others, without waiting for them to reach out to us.

The word “show” means that we demonstrate friendliness. This could be shown in countless ways including a warm smile, a gentle touch, kind words and a helping hand.

    True friends are close friends.

    Such friendships can be stronger than family ties.

This passage clearly says that we get friends by being a friend.

Consider this thought provoking poem:

 

I went out to find a friend,
       
But I could not find one there;
   
I went out to be a friend,
   
And friends were everywhere.

(Author Unknown)

Realize this:   Until you put these principles to work in your own life, you will continue to be lonely. You can make big changes by taking little steps.

Let me know how it works out for you.

Until next time!

Two Ears, No Waiting

Jeff Timlick